The One Constantly Good Thing
by Gayani
Summary: Snapshots of Dexter and Debra's relationship through the years. Debster-centric. Rated M mainly for Deb's mouth.
1. Told You

A/N: I thought it would be interesting to get into Dexter's head at different points in his relationship with Deb. I have a number of points that I'll probably explore but I'm certainly open to suggestion on any times that might be interesting! Thanks for reading!

Today is my ninth birthday. But I'm pretty sure Deb is more excited than I am. She is usually more excited than I am about most things. If you ask me, it's just another day of the week. Nothing better than any other day. But Deb keeps telling me I should be excited because I get cake and presents, so I smile at her. And I don't get annoyed when she wakes me up at 7 by jumping on my bed. And when she asks me why I didn't want a birthday party I just shrug my shoulders at her. But really, who would show up to my birthday party? I don't exactly have friends. Everybody thinks I'm a freak. Deb should know this already. We go to the same school and she's always ready to fight when anyone says anything bad about me.

Harry tells me I need to work harder at fitting in. That I need to try to make friends. But I'm pretty happy with Deb as my friend. Harry would tell me she's my sister and not my friend, but I don't understand why those would be different.

Mom's going all out for dinner-all of my favorites-spaghetti, meatballs, apple pie for dessert. And while she is in the kitchen, Deb and Dad and I are playing with my new baseball bat. I lost the other one last week. Well, I didn't exactly lose it really. But after I played with it last time, the blood had soaked into the cracks and I knew it would be too hard to explain, so I had to bury it too.

Sometimes I want to ask Deb if she ever feels like grabbing the neighborhood pets and taking them apart like I do. I have a feeling she doesn't though. I mean she cried during Old Yeller and she was so upset that for weeks she wouldn't shut up about it. So I'm guessing if I showed her what I do with those animals that she'd go running to Dad. He doesn't know yet. At least I don't think he does. But sometimes he looks at me really funny. And I know that he knows something.

I wish I could explain it. And I know he'll ask me why when he finally does figure it all out. But it's just something I want to do. Staring at the blood coming out, seeing how they stop moving and then their eyes go kinda dull. I really like it…

I guess the kids at school are right. I am a freak. But I don't really want to stop.

Mom asks Dad to come help her with something, so Deb starts spinning in circles. I don't know why she likes it so much, so I sit down and watch. Deb is really funny sometimes, but usually when she's not trying to be. She finally collapses onto the grass next to me, giggling. I lay down too and stare up at the clouds. I reach out for her hand and squeeze tight. When she squeezes back I smile.

"I love you Dex."

I turn my head towards her, but she's still staring up at the sky. I don't say anything, even though I think I should. Thing is, I don't know what to say. She turns and looks at me, frowns. "Well?" Deb is starting to look annoyed.

"Um…"

"Do you love me too?" Deb asks impatiently.

I think about this for a moment. "What does it feel like?"

Deb gives me a weird look. "What do you mean 'what does it feel like'?"

"I don't know…Just…I don't know what it's supposed to be like."

Deb rolls her eyes at me. "Listen, stupid. You love me. Got it?" Dad hates when she gets an attitude and calls people names, but it always makes me smile because it just seems so like Deb. "You would do anything for me, right?" I nod at her. "Right, and I would do anything for you. And I'm your sister and your best friend, right?" I nod at her again. "So there you go. You love me." Deb looks at me very seriously for confirmation.

"Okay" I tell her, grinning.

Deb laughs at me. "You're such a dumbass Dexter."

"Debra!" Deb and I look up to find Dad standing over us. "What have I told you young lady?!"

"Oh man! I was just joking!"

"Well it's not funny." Dad's really mad. I can tell he's about to ground her, make her miss dessert or something.

"We were just goofing around Dad." He turns and looks at me. "It's my birthday and I don't want Deb to get in trouble."

He seems to soften a bit when he hears that. Honestly I don't really know where that came from. But I guess Deb is right, I would do anything for her.

He sighs and ruffles my hair. "You get off with a warning Deb. But the next time I hear a bad word out of your mouth you'll be in twice as much trouble." He pats Deb's shoulder and walks into the house.

"See? Told you you love me." Deb grins triumphantly before she gets up and starts spinning circles again.


	2. Another Thing

My eyes are closed, but I'm still awake when Deb sneaks into my room. She's been doing it a lot lately, but she thinks I don't know. And since Deb has her pride, I let her go on thinking I'm fast asleep. She is squirming around on the floor and it's a wonder that she thinks she fools me. It's a good thirty minutes before I hear her breathing deeply and I slowly open my eyes and roll onto my side to look down at her.

She started sneaking in here when Mom got sick. I don't really know why, but I guess she thought it was helpful, because every couple of nights she was in here again. By the time I woke up in the morning she would be gone and I'd spend the rest of the day pretending I hadn't heard her mumbling in her sleep.

But now it's been two weeks since the funeral and she's been in here every night. I wonder if she'll be able to sleep when Dad and I go hunting next weekend. I almost told him that we shouldn't go, but then I could feel that darkness creeping into my veins and the blood started pounding in my head and I knew the weekend couldn't come soon enough.

I've tried to convince Dad to let her come along before. After all, it's just hunting. She doesn't need to know more. But he went on and on about how Deb wouldn't understand. How I have to protect her from myself. How I'd have to make sure she never knew anything.

It doesn't seem fair really. Because Deb has known me forever. She loves me and she protects me. So why would this be so different? I mean if I can't help it, like Dad says, then it's just a part of who I am. And Deb always says she would do anything for me. Dad says this isn't my fault, so then doesn't that make it better?

Deb shifts around and I shut my eyes automatically. If she wakes up and sees me looking at her I know she'll get mad. As long as I can remember I've watched Deb. Sometimes I just stare at her. Because I find her so completely fascinating. She always seems to feel something. And she feels it with such force I think it might actually jump right out of her. And that's so strange to me because I don't think I feel that much. I mean it makes sense since I'm a monster. But I so rarely feel anything and when I do its very few things; anger, frustration, burning need to kill. But Deb seems to feel everything. Every look, every smile, there is so much lurking behind it. So I stare.

And then Deb sees me staring and she gets mad. Just a few weeks ago she was asleep on the couch in the middle of a dream, or maybe a nightmare. She was frowning, mumbling, her brow furrowed in concentration. And I wondered how she could be so emotional even when she was fast asleep. So I leaned over her and watched. But then she woke up. And she punched me. I actually saw stars.

And then, instead of apologizing she tore into me.

"What the fuck Dex?!" Deb towered over me as I sat on the floor and prodded at my sore nose.

"You punched me." I checked for blood while I looked up at her.

"Were you fucking watching me sleep?"

I looked up at her, pretty sure that if I said yes I would be getting another good punch. Instead I tried to change the subject. "Were you having a bad dream?"

Deb glared down at me, her anger reaching a boiling point. "Stop being such a fucking creep!" she screamed before she bolted out the front door.

When she came to dinner a few hours later I worried what she might say to Dad, but she didn't say a word until after we had eaten.

"How's your nose?" Deb asked me so quietly I could barely hear her over the running water as we did the dishes side by side.

I lifted my fingers and massaged it gently. "I'm just glad you didn't break it."

Deb lifted her gaze to mine and laughed quietly. And that was it, all was forgotten and we were back to normal.

So now I'm hesitant and I open my eyes again and look down at her fast asleep. Tonight she seems peaceful and she's not talking, so maybe there are no nightmares. A piece of hair which has fallen over her face is tickling her nose. I can see her nose wiggling away the irritation. I reach down and gently slide the piece away. I don't let go of it immediately, letting the silky strands slide against my fingers.

As I keep watching her, it suddenly strikes me that she no longer looks like a little kid. She's still Deb, but she suddenly seems so grown up. Her lashes are brushing against her cheekbones and her full lips are slightly parted. I find my gaze sliding down her frame. Unnervingly I'm noticing her breasts and her long legs and I find that I like them.

I frown at the direction of these thoughts and turn onto my back, my gaze resolutely on the ceiling. I've always thought Deb was pretty. But these thoughts are…different. And they're not right. I'm sure this isn't normal. But then again, I'm not normal either. I rub my eyes and take a deep breath. This will be another thing that I will ignore. Because it's bad enough that I want to kill things, but it's much worse to be attracted to my sister.


	3. A Solution

A/N: First off, thanks for reading! It always helps motivate my writing if I'm not the only one enjoying it Second, it looks like I will actually do these in chronological order. However, I'm not planning on really labeling each chapter with an exact time frame. The context should be there within the chapter, but if this gets too confusing, please let me know and I can start giving roundabout time frames.

Sometimes I pity Deb. Like today, when she came to me demanding to know how I could hang out with Rudy but not talk to her. Wanting to know why her own brother couldn't share his feelings with her. But of course, there's the rub.

She's right. I'm the only family she has left. And how is that fair? Because she hasn't figured it out yet, but I can't be what she needs me to be. I can't open up to her. I can't share my deepest thoughts and secrets. I would destroy her.

But maybe there is a solution. Maybe Rudy is the solution. He doesn't seem so bad I guess. Actually, I think maybe he's as needy as Deb. And pushy too. They might just be the perfect couple.

More than anything though, Deb seems happy. And if this guy can give her what she needs and we can all get along, well then we all win.

It's just what Harry would have wanted. Deb married to a nice, normal guy. Maybe some babies one day to make Doris happy. And she would stay far away from my secrets. Because at least once Deb is settled down I don't think she'll need me anymore.

And I wonder what that will be like. All of our lives we've been there for each other. So if one day she doesn't need me anymore, what will happen to me? I don't think Deb would just abandon me. But when she starts her own family, things will be different.

I can't really imagine being on the periphery of Deb's life, only having the odd family dinner, only getting together on holidays. Deb's just always been around, bugging me to hang out. Calling me anytime I cross her mind or she needs some advice. So if all that stopped, where would that leave me?

Deb's a big part of my cover. Geeky lab tech, supportive older brother. But it's much more than that. She makes me more real, even to myself. Without her to humanize me…will the monster take over?

I don't know if I fear that or welcome it. Sometimes the code feels like a burden. I'm sure my new friend the Ice Truck Killer would agree. He doesn't live by those rules. He does what he wants, when he wants. When he _needs_.

What would it be like to be him? To be free of all the restrictions. No more vetting my kills. No need to hide my work.

I wonder if that's what he wants from me. To be more like him. To leave the trappings of a normal life behind me. Is that what I want?

It would be so much simpler.

But then, I know how much that would hurt Deb. If I just disappeared one day, what would happen to Deb? I know she would act like everything is ok, because Deb knows how to soldier on. But I also know that she would bottle her pain up inside of her until it made her crazy. I also think she wouldn't stop searching until she found me.

Or worse, what if I join my new friend and become known for what I really am? Would Deb be able to recover from that?

For now it doesn't matter. I don't know how my new friend wants to play or even what his next plan is.

But I do wish I could ease Deb's mind, even a little.

The ringing of my cell phone slices through my quiet apartment. _Speak of the devil…_

"Hey sis."

"Hey…" Deb sits silently on the other side of the line.

"Uhhh…you okay Deb?"

"Yeah…I don't know why I called…"

"You don't need a reason to call."

Deb is silent again but I can hear her smiling through the phone. I can't help but smile too.

"Look, I know sometimes I'm pushy and I bug you. It's just that I love you and you've always been there for me. And without Mom and Dad…"

"I know. Me too. And you're the only family I've got too. I'm not trying to push you away. But I'm a guy and I'm just not good at that stuff."

Deb laughs at me. "Yeah, well we'll work on that dumbass."

I laugh too and we lapse into an easy quiet.

"I should let you go…"Deb sighs and I can hear bustle of the department in the background.

"Another late night?"

"Yeah…lots of late nights until we catch this fucker. Anyways, it's not like I have anywhere else to be." The scowl in her voice comes through loud and clear.

"Haven't cleared things up with Rudy yet?"

"I think maybe I jumped the gun on that one. Surprise, surprise, right?"

"I dunno…maybe, maybe not."

"Pfft, what does that mean?"

"I'm just saying that maybe it's not over yet."

"Yeah, well I'm not waiting around holding my fucking breath or anything." Deb hesitates, "Does that mean you like him?"

"Well better than your other boyfriends, which isn't saying much."

"Fuck off." But Deb laughs at me.

"I think he might really care about you."

Deb sighs uncertainly. "We'll see. Talk to ya later bro."

"Bye Deb."

I hang up feeling unburdened. I think that conversation made her feel better and maybe it'll help patch things up with Rudy too. Turns out I can be a pretty good brother when I put my mind to it. One day Deb can thank me.


	4. Little Brother

I can hear the pounding coming from the bedroom. Deb is at it again. Running that treadmill as if she can outrun her demons. I'm so tired of all of it. I just want her to get back to normal. How many nights do I have to come home to this? And meanwhile I have to act like everything is fine. Like Brian isn't around every corner, taunting me.

I slam the cabinet in the kitchen and find myself opening the bedroom door. "Deb, seriously, can you…"

I stop and stare. The lamp in the corner is on, illuminating the bed. The light is bouncing off of Deb's glistening breasts.

"Little brother!" My gaze slides over Deb's nude body and over to my brother's. He's settled between her legs. "It's about time. Why don't you come join us?"

Brian moves away and I realize I'm now in front of the bed, Deb splayed before me. Her wrists are cuffed to the top of the headboard. "Hey Dex" Deb smiles, waves one hand around at me.

"Go on little brother. Take her." Brian is whispering in my ear. "Since you are so fond of her."

"I didn't…I shouldn't…" but I can't take my eyes off Deb.

"See I figured it out little brother. You didn't want to kill her, I understand now. Because you wanted to fuck her."

My breath catches in my throat. The heat is rising up my neck.

"Go on Dex. After all, she's not your real sister."

My knees are on the mattress, and I'm moving toward Deb, hovering over her. Her lips are a fraction of an inch away.

I wake up with a gasp, alone in my dark bedroom. I'm sweating and rock hard. I close my eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, then another. I look down…_still hard_. I run my hands over my face and through my hair, _just a dream._ But that thought doesn't seem to help.

I get out of bed, shuffle uncomfortably into the kitchen and drink down a tall, ice cold glass of water. But even as I stand over the kitchen sink the dream plays over and over again. And it's definitely not helping my situation. I glance consciously towards the couch, even though I know Deb is at Square Jaw's place tonight.

It was just a dream. Just an insane sex dream about my brother and sister. _I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't woken up_. The inane thought crosses my brain before I can stop it. I shake my head and pretend I didn't think it.

It was bound to catch up to me really, the craziness from the past few months. My brain just put it all on hold while Deb was sorting through it. And now that she seems to have coped it's revving up and coming back to haunt me. That's all it is.

It actually all makes sense that I would go there. Because after all, Brian was sleeping with Deb. And he tried to get me to kill her, like he wanted to. And of course I did just walk in on Deb and the new boyfriend a few days ago. So it all just got jumbled up and that's what came out. It's that simple.

_But you're still hard…_

I can hear Brian's voice taunting me and I glance around again.

No, it's nothing. It's just a meaningless, crazy dream…_about wanting to fuck my sister_. "ARGH!"

I can blame Brian for all of this. Because really, why did he have to seduce Deb? He could have chosen a dozen other ways to reach me. He could have left her out of it. I know he went on about how she's not my real family. About how he is my blood. But he didn't need to make her a part of this. If he had just left her alone maybe we could all just coexist.

Better than that really. Because I could have my brother and we could kill together. Someone who would understand my needs. And I could still have Deb. And Deb wouldn't have to know anything. I could still protect her.

But I know this is all a fantasy. Brian was right. I had to choose. He just was certain that I would choose him. He underestimated how important Deb is to me. He neglected the fact that we grew up together. That she's always been there for me. That she actually really loves me.

I glance down, but my problem isn't going away. I consider going back to bed and forcing myself to sleep. But right now I'm so wide awake that just seems like torture. Then I remember those times growing up when these situations would…arise. As an adult I have not felt much need for those solo activities. Although I will admit that Rita has now given me a new appreciation for sex.

But when I think back I can't help but remember that these sort of occurrences had a certain association. Like that time I caught Deb running between the bathroom and her bedroom in just her panties. Or that time Deb dragged me to the beach with her friends so she could try out her new bikini. Then later when I was alone in the shower, or behind my locked bedroom door, I would call up those images and remedy the situation.

That was a long time ago and I haven't done anything like that since I was a teenager and told myself that fantasizing about my sister was not going to help me act normal. Of course, desperate times call for desperate measures. I strip down and head to a cold shower with the dream replaying in my mind.


	5. Small Comfort

I feel…bad for the things I said to Deb. There she was, excited about her date, and I just had to come and stomp all over it. It's that nasty self-preservation which kicks in automatically. Lundy's presence here is inconvenient enough and I need to stay as far away as possible. And Deb dating the FBI agent who's trying to bring me down? Well, that's just a recipe for disaster. Especially knowing Deb.

She is always trying to bring her boyfriends by, seemingly for my approval. She doesn't need it, Deb's a grown woman, she can make up her own mind. But between her parents being gone and all of her increasingly bad decisions about men, I guess I can understand why she does it. Especially after Brian.

Then again, after all that approval that she supposedly seeks, she completely ignored what I had to say about Lundy. I thought I made some valid points after all. I mean, what will people think? Their age difference, their working together, it just all looks wrong.

Not that I have anything against the guy. Other than the fact that he's trying to hunt me down. But it doesn't really seem fair to hold that against him.

And on top of all of that, it's not like Deb approves of who I'm seeing. She makes that abundantly clear. In fact, she's been downright mean about it. Although I'm not sure that Lila notices, or cares.

But still, I feel bad. And I don't want to.

Deb sticks her head into my office. "We are so close to catching this fucker I can taste it." She throws a victim file from the Bay Harbor Butcher case onto my desk. I open it up and thumb through. I remember this guy well. I try not to smile.

Deb interrupts my train of thought. "Can you pull up the blood work from that guy's homicide case?"

"You mean the one where we couldn't press charges?"

Deb smirks at me. "Yeah, asshole."

"Look Deb, I'm sorry about before ok?"

Deb gives me her best 'what the fuck' look.

"I mean, you obviously like Lundy and I shouldn't have been so mean about it."

Deb looks at me wearily. "Whatever. I don't care what people think." She crosses her arms in front of her and lifts her chin.

I raise my eyebrows at her.

"Fuck. Yeah ok, maybe I care. But I like him too much to let that stop me." Deb softens a bit, smiles to herself. But just as suddenly she shakes it off and scowls at me again. "If you think that I'm going to apologize for what I said about Lila you can fuck off. Just cause you think you were mean about Lundy doesn't mean I'm not right about that British whore."

I shake my head. I know I should drop this but… "She's not that bad Deb."

"Not that..!? Fuck Dex! She's a total skank! I swear you are so blind to the most obvious things sometimes!"

I decide to let that comment slide. As ironic a statement as that is, she is right about that sometimes.

"Look, it's not Lila's fault that Rita and I broke up."

"Don't lie Dex. I know the whole story, I talked to Rita."

"Oh."

"Yeah, exactly. You know I never pictured you as that guy who thought with your dick, but obviously I was wrong."

I shake my head. "I like Lila. She gets me."

"Well one day she's gonna get you in a whole shitload of trouble and then you'll be wondering why the hell you left Rita!"

"I didn't leave Rita! We had a fight, we broke it off."

"And you could have fixed it! Instead you went and screwed that cunt and ruined everything!"

I rub my eyes. "Sometimes relationships don't work out."

"And sometimes you're just a fucking moron. Did you even think about Astor and Cody?"

"I'm not just going to abandon them."

"You can't have it both ways Dex."

I sigh. It's my own fault for getting into this with her. "Well you don't have to like Lila for me to be supportive of you and Lundy."

Deb pauses and looks at me. "Uh…thanks, I think. I love ya bro, but this whole thing is just stupid. And it's my job to tell you when you're being an idiot." Deb smirks at me.

I smirk back. "Well I can't ask for more." I glance back at the file on my desk. "I'll get you the blood work." I look back to Deb, but she is looking out of the window, her eyes trained on Lundy. She's fiddling with her hair and biting her bottom lip. I'd know that look anywhere.

"You really like him, huh?"

Deb reluctantly pulls her gaze back to me. She doesn't say anything, but her smile speaks volumes.

I nod and smile in return. "Well you deserve to be happy. But I gotta say, it's weird when you get girly."

Deb laughs "Fuck you." She punches my arm as she walks out the door. I rub the sore spot absently as I watch Deb start a quiet conversation with Lundy. It doesn't look like they're talking about the case.

I drum my fingers on the file while I think. I've covered my tracks and as good as Lundy is I don't see how he can figure me out. Besides, I've got an inside track on the case, so I'm always going to be one step ahead. I hope.

I look up again and watch Deb walk off with Lundy. From what I can tell Deb's feelings are mutual. It's a small comfort in the midst of this mess to know that Deb is happy.


	6. Feel Good

"Hey there Harrison" I whisper to my newborn son tentatively as I figure out the rocking motion. Rita is fast asleep in the hospital bed. After what she just did I would think she could sleep for a week. I'm completely in awe of this tiny, warm bundle. I can't believe something so innocent could come from me.

I hear a soft knock at the door and Deb sticks her head in. She smiles broadly at me "I brought coffee" she tells me quietly.

I cock my head towards the bed. "Rita's knocked out."

She nods and moves into the room, putting down the coffees and standing close to look at my son. "So this is Harrison, huh?" she strokes his cheek.

"Here, why don't you hold him?" Deb looks slightly panicked but doesn't argue since he's already half way in her arms. I give her a moment to adjust and don't reach for the coffee until she looks slightly more relaxed.

"Meet your aunt Deb" I whisper to my son.

"Ha…" Deb grins. "Hard to believe. I mean I know Rita's kids are your kids too. But this just…feels a little different."

"Yeah, maybe because he's so small." I drink my coffee while I watch Deb.

"Mom and Dad would be so proud of you." Deb smiles at me. "How was the labor? You were here right?" Deb grills me lightly.

"Yeah, I was here. It was…intense." I look towards Rita. "You should try it sometime." I tease Deb.

"Yeah right." Deb kicks me in the shin.

We're quiet for awhile and I can see Deb analyzing every inch of Harrison. "I'm really proud of you Dex." Deb looks at me seriously. "I mean, I know you had your doubts." She looks over to make sure Rita's still asleep. "But I know you can be a wonderful father. And I'm really glad you stuck it out and gave this a shot."

"I just don't want to mess it up."

"And you won't! Because you're going to be there for him and you're going to make him feel loved. You've always been there for me Dex, so I know you can do this. And now that he's here, it just makes it more real."

"I just worry…teaching him things. Giving him what he needs. I don't think I know how."

"Then you'll figure it out as you go. You're not Dad and you won't make the same mistakes. I won't let you."

I smile at Deb "Thank you."

* * *

Harrison is a week old. So Rita decided it was a good time to have visitors. First on the list of course is Deb. Anton's come along too and I'm feeding Harrison while I watch the two of them play with Astor and Cody. He's been dating Deb for half a year now, but I don't know too much about him. To be honest I don't see a point in learning. This won't be Deb's last boyfriend, I'm very sure. She needs someone more stable. Someone she can rely on. And this musician guy just doesn't strike me as the type.

I'm sure he's not so bad. But I know Deb. And this guy is just not a good fit.

Deb heads towards me. "Hey, you wanna burp him?" I lift the bottle from Harrison's mouth and start to hand him over.

"Um, no." Deb laughs, her hands up in defense. "I am the fun aunt. I do not do burpings or diapers."

I shake my head at her and take up the task myself.

"So, one week in. How does it feel?"

"Getting used to it. Not sleeping too much."

"See? One step at a time."

"Yeah and I'll be glad when the sleepless nights step is over." I nod towards Anton. "How's it going with you?"

Deb smiles at me, her head over heels smile. "Great! I don't know he's just so different than the guys I would usually go for."

"And that's a good thing?"

"Well, yeah. I mean he brings out this different side of me. He's easy to be with. He makes me feel good about myself."

"I'm glad…but you need him to feel good about you?" Deb gives me a look in response. "Sorry, I mean nothing against him. But I would just think you should always feel good about yourself."

"When'd you get your fucking PhD in psych Dex?" Deb rolls her eyes at me unhappily, she crosses her arms in front of her.

"Look, I'm just saying that you're smart and amazing and strong and you should feel good about that."

Deb blushes and smiles shyly at me. "I love you too Dex."

I shift self-consciously as she looks at me. "I know Dad…well maybe you just didn't hear enough good things when we were kids, so I'm trying to make sure you know." Deb looks at me surprised. I decide that I better escape this conversation before it gets too far out of hand. "I just want to look out for you Deb."

"Thanks Dex" Deb kisses my cheek.

We share a long look. "I'm gonna put him down for a nap." Deb nods, leans over and kisses Harrison too.

Once I'm inside and he's in his crib, I think back to my conversation with Deb. I don't know where all of it came from, but I know it was all true. Sometimes I realize what Dad did to her for my sake. And since Rita's pregnancy even Deb has been talking more about it. And it makes me feel sad that I was the reason for her pain. Maybe it's too late to undo the damage, but sometimes I think if I can make it even a little bit better it's worth a shot.


	7. BrotherSister Time

A/N: Thanks for continuing to read! I'm going to try to continue to update about once a week, but the next few weeks will be pretty busy so it may be a bit longer between. Promise I will finish it though!

* * *

I lean in the doorway to Astor's room, watching Deb pack up the few things she brought with her.

"Hey Deb."

She turns a little too suddenly and I see her wince. She takes a deep breath and sits down on the bed.

"Sorry" I grimace as I join her.

"It's fine."

"Look, Deb. I was thinking…Maybe you should stay awhile longer."

"What? Why?" Deb looks at me like I'm crazy.

"You're obviously still in pain. And the other day…"

"The other day…well that's what happens when the man you're in love with dies in front of you." Deb's head is bowed as she speaks, her voice quiet.

I put my hand on her back. "Yeah, so you don't need to be alone while you're dealing with that."

"No, I do." Deb stands up abruptly. I can see her trying to mask the pain that shot through her at the sudden movement. "I need to get back to my apartment and get better so I can get back to work and find the fucker that did this."

"So why can't you get better here?" I stand up, reaching for Deb's hand.

"I can't impose on Rita."

"Rita thinks you should stay too. And before you use Astor and Cody as an excuse, they're worried about you too."

Deb looks at me and blinks quickly, but I still see the tears forming in her eyes.

"Deb, I just don't want to find you back in that parking lot, torturing and blaming yourself. And I think if you stay here maybe it'll make you feel better."

"I don't want to feel better! Okay?! I deserve to feel this way! I deserve to be in pain!"

I wrap my arms around her and hold onto her while she cries. Deb frightens me when she's like this. It's as if all those emotions that I'm fascinated by have turned on her. And it's scary to see them overwhelm her.

When she's finally calm I let go and sit her on the bed. I don't know what I can possibly say to make it any better, but I have to try. "You don't deserve it ok? You deserve so much better. And I'm sorry this is happening."

Deb leans against my shoulder and sniffles. "I had just gotten him back, and now he's gone for good."

"He deserved better too."

Deb looks up at me and nods. "What's wrong with me Dex? Why is shit just attracted to me like a magnet?"

I shake my head. "I don't know. But you're going to find this fucker." _I will definitely take care of him Deb_.

She smiles softly at me. "Yeah, he'll pay."

She wipes away the last of her tears and stands up slowly this time. I don't stop her as she finishes packing her things. "You sure Deb?"

"I'll be fine." She nods at me, puts on a brave face for my benefit.

I snatch up the suitcase before she can try and Deb follows me out of the house and into the car. We're silent the whole ride over and I keep glancing sideways at her to see if she's alright. When we're almost at the apartment I make a decision and pull into the grocery store. "I'm getting us a couple of steaks."

Deb sighs. "Dex, seriously. You don't have to keep babying me."

"I'm not! We haven't had brother/sister time in awhile. Just the two of us."

She perks up a bit, so I run inside for supplies and we're back in the apartment cooking them up in no time.

I'm glad when Deb chooses to sit at the bar and watch me cook. I'm still worried about her and I don't like the idea of her alone. Even if the doctors say she's fine, she doesn't look fine to me. She talks to me about Trinity and it seems like the distraction is good for her, so I keep asking questions.

While we eat dinner quietly on the couch I keep finding myself staring at Deb.

"Would you stop that?" she says irritated.

"What?" I say innocently.

"Stop staring at me! Jeez Dex, I'm fine!" Deb puts down her cutlery with a clatter, grabs her beer and leans back on the couch next to me. "Ok. Maybe I'm not fine…"

"But you will be?" I try helpfully. Deb just rolls her eyes in return.

"We can still go back to the house." I offer

"Definitely stop suggesting that." Deb replies flatly.

"What? House full of kids isn't appealing?" I try for a joke.

Deb finally cracks a smile. She looks down at her beer bottle and picks at the label. Her fingers are shaking as she pushes her nail against the corner flap. I reach over and close my hand over hers, pulling it to the empty space between us.

Deb sighs and I don't have to look at her to know she is quietly crying. I stroke my thumb over her hand and wait. I think it's the best I can do for now, to let her know I'm here.

Eventually she stops sniffling and gives my hand a squeeze. I look over at her and smile.

"I love you Dex." It's still amazing to me how easily those words come from her. It took me a long time to learn I had to answer somehow. And it may not be perfect, but I'm closer to meaning it with Deb than with anyone else.

"Me too." She smiles at me and I hope that it's enough. I want to tell her how relieved I am that's she's sitting here with me. How scared I was when I had heard about the shooting. But I can't figure out how to do it. So instead I smile back and silently offer her another beer.


	8. Worst Thing Possible

A/N: This chapter came out short and felt very filler. But there will be more substance coming soon! Thanks for reading :)

Lumen's gone and my dark passenger and I are alone again. I knew it wouldn't last. She needed her revenge and that was all. Once that was gone, why would she still feel the urge to kill?

I didn't want to see her go, at least not anymore. But at the same time it's easier this way. Rita's death was my fault and I don't want that happening to Lumen.

And with Deb getting so uncomfortably close it seems better that Lumen is away from Miami and our little Bonnie and Clyde act is over.

I couldn't really believe it when I heard her voice through the plastic sheet. For a moment I thought she could see me. I really thought she would just know.

She already knows so much more than I'd like her to. That moment outside Trinity's house, Deb telling me about my birth family, made me realize how vulnerable I am to her. Because she could suddenly unravel all of it. Bring the whole house of cards crashing down. Create a million clichés in my life.

I worried about her investigating Harry's CIs for this very reason. Because Deb is actually a pretty damn good detective. If her judgment wasn't so clouded by me she would have seen through my mask by now. But when she told me about my mother and Brian she still didn't seem to know about me.

In truth I was worried when she started talking. I didn't even know she was still looking into this. Let alone, I had no idea she had gotten so far with it. So if she had managed all that without me having any clue, what else could she know?

Is this the way it will happen one day? Will something innocuous start her on the path? And I'll be going along thinking everything is fine and suddenly she'll spring it on me. And I won't have to make some big announcement to her. I won't have to tell her about it or explain, because she'll just know. She'll have figured it all out, seen into every deception. And then what?

Well I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that. But I really hope I'm wrong.

For all I know after the incident with Lumen, Deb could be halfway there already. And if that thing, the worst thing possible were to happen…then what?

I wonder if she would ever be able to face me again. Would she hate me and revile me? I pray I never see the day.

Harry always said I have to protect Deb from myself. But maybe in some way I've been protecting myself from Deb. Protecting myself from losing her. Keeping her close, but not too close. Feeding her lies like they're apple pie, and then telling myself that it's for her benefit.

But I don't see another way. I wonder nowadays who I would have been if Harry hadn't given me the code. I wonder if I'd be more like Brian or maybe more like Deb. I guess I'll never really know though. And to imagine that things could be simpler is just a fantasy.

And anyways, it's too late for all of that. I can't change what I've become, even on the days I'd like to try.

Of course, after seeing how Deb let us go, maybe I'm just completely wrong. She was armed, totally capable of confronting us. And Deb would never back down out of fear.

Instead she backed down, allowed us to flee, because she couldn't accept that we should be punished for what we had done. She understood that maybe she didn't like the solution, but why should two decent people be punished for killing 5 monsters? I guess she gave me the benefit of the doubt on that.

So maybe there is hope if the worst were to occur. Not that I'm going to go running to Deb and tell her now. But maybe if she did find out one day, she could accept it. Maybe she could even embrace it. I don't imagine she'd ever be my sidekick, but maybe in some way she would support it. Maybe she could understand how much I help people, how I save them.

She understood that the thirteenth barrel girl deserved to take out her captors. And she felt compassion for the fact that she needed help to do it.

Still I know I cannot risk it. I must do everything I can to continue to hide this from Deb. Because if she can't understand then I know I will lose her. And that would be the worst thing possible.


	9. Something that bugs me

Quinn's swilling his beer while cracking another stupid joke in my direction. I've stopped listening and keep imagining relieving him of his beer bottle so I can swing it against his skull. Instead I take another swallow of beer and laugh on queue.

Deb insisted that we should all go to the departmental Memorial Day barbeque. I don't think she meant together though, so I don't know how _Joey_ ended up here budding around with me. I can see Deb playing with Harrison a couple of feet away and wish she'd come rescue me. But I'm trying to pretend I don't hate Quinn so much, so I stay where I am and fake another smile.

She called me out on it a few weeks ago. Asking why I hated him so much. I guess I didn't really have a good answer ready and Deb rolled her eyes at me in typical fashion and told me I needed to try not to be such an asshole. As she put it, whatever shit had gone down between us before was over and if Quinn could move past it then I should too.

But there's just something about the guy that bugs me. I know full well that he has a dirty past and he just sort of strikes me as a douche. But I think that way about plenty of people, and usually that's not enough to worry me. I guess my standards are higher when it comes to Deb.

I actually can't figure out what's worse. Quinn as Deb's fuck buddy or Quinn as Deb's boyfriend. I guess Quinn's hands on my sister at all seem wrong. But me having to play nice with the boyfriend has got to be worse. I want Deb to be happy, but seriously?

Deb finally comes over, tugging Harrison by the hand and with Angel by her side. I almost sigh with relief.

"Hey! Beautiful weather, huh?" Angel greets us. The next thing I know we're talking about the latest case and I'm glad for the reprieve from Quinn's stupidity.

It doesn't last long though, because Harrison is tugging on Deb's arm "An Deb!" He's pointing towards the water, excited by a boat and Deb indulges him, scooping him up and walking off to see it closer.

Angel watches her walk away before turning and clapping Quinn on the shoulder. "Think that's going to be you soon man?"

"Huh, what?" Quinn looks slightly bewildered.

"Ya know" Angel winks, hooks his thumb over his shoulder in Deb's direction.

I look between Angel and Quinn, wondering what the hell they're talking about.

"Oh, well…ya know, I…" Quinn stammers and I swear I see a blush creeping up from his shirt collar.

"I knew it! Oh I knew…" Angel is grinning ridiculously and I still feel completely lost.

Quinn turns suddenly towards me. "I mean it's not really…I haven't…" he sighs heavily and looks away. He ducks his head shyly and runs his fingers through his hair.

"Hey man, we won't say anything to her. You need to take your time and figure things out. And if you want to and you're ready, then you go for it." Angel pats his shoulder consolingly. "But Deb's a great woman. So don't screw that shit up. Right Dex?"

"Uh, yeah. Exactly." I take a drink so I don't have to add more words to that.

Quinn looks at me. "You won't say anything either right?"

"Couldn't if I wanted to." I nod and wonder if there's an emergency exit to this nonsensical conversation.

Quinn nods. "I'm going to get another drink."

When he walks away I look to Angel for some clue. But it seems like he's gone far away elsewhere. "I'm glad they're happy. I know Deb is your sister, but you know she's like my family too. I think she'll be a good mom. I mean look how she is with Harrison."

I look towards my son and watch as Deb swings him around, both laughing. Wait…Deb and Quinn want a baby? What did I just miss here? I turn to Angel again, but he's just spotted someone and he excuses himself, leaving me completely baffled and alone.

When Quinn gets called in for a crime scene I take Deb and Harrison back home. Deb and I settle for takeout and some bad movies on the tv. Harrison's asleep before I decide to broach the subject.

"Do you want kids, Deb?"

She half chokes on her beer, coughing and sputtering while she looks at me wide eyed. "What the fuck Dex?"

"Um…I don't know. You're really good with Harrison."

"Yeah! As his AUNT!" Deb laughs.

"So what you don't want one of your own? It would make Mom happy." I grin at her when she rolls her eyes at me.

"You're so fucking weird Dex. Where is this coming from?"

"I don't know. You've been with Quinn for awhile…"

Deb guffaws "Me and fucking Quinn having a fucking BABY?!" Deb laughs "You're out of your fucking mind."

_You should tell that to Quinn_ I think, but then decide its better left for the two of them to figure out.

I find it oddly comforting that there won't be any little Quinns running around with Harrison. Although I can't quite put my finger on why.

"An Deb!" we can hear Harrison calling from his room.

Deb looks at me guiltily. "I think that's my fault. I'm just too loud sometimes."

Deb gets up and heads towards his room and I follow behind and watch her carry my son and rock him back to sleep. It makes me exceedingly happy how attached he is to her. Harrison could definitely use her good influence, no matter what Deb thinks of her parenting skills.


	10. Nothing More

A/N: I feel like this took a bit longer than I would have liked, so sorry for the delay! Just a few more chapters left...

It's been a busy few days for Deb. Busting a bad guy in a very public way. Getting two different proposals. Accepting only one of them before moving in with me, yet again. Not that I'm complaining actually. Because she has finally broken it off with Quinn. Really, what took her so long?

A whole year they were living together and I still never understood any of it. I tried, really I did. But now it's over and I'm glad.

It was odd, the way Quinn put it. That Deb shouldn't have to choose between the two of us. Of course, why would she ever choose him? But I guess I am surprised he thought of it as some sort of competition between us two to begin with.

But now Deb has bigger fish to fry. After all, she's lieutenant. It's strange to even think about. And thinking about it too much makes me fairly uncomfortable. It makes the stakes even higher if the Bay Harbor Butcher were to resurface. Or if she were to figure it out somehow.

I convince myself most of the time that neither of those are a possibility. I've learned enough lessons about how dangerous my secret is, and I'm more careful now than ever. As for Deb, she has proven that her love for me blinds her to any strange possibilities.

She's pacing back and forth in front of me, still wearing her new skirt suit and mumbling to herself, while I'm looking at my next target. Physically two feet away from the truth, but in actuality we might as well be in different galaxies. I close down my victim file as Deb rounds the desk and drops her papers on the keyboard.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?!"

I shuffle through the pictures from the four horsemen crime scene and then turn and shrug at Deb.

"Thanks for the help bro." She tells me sarcastically as she pulls the pictures out of my hand and resumes her pacing.

"You'll figure it out, Lieutenant."

"Fuck you. That doesn't help! I have a fucking press conference at 9am and no fucking clue what to tell these people." Deb scowls. She turns towards the couch, dropping the pictures onto the coffee table and falling in a heap onto the cushions.

I head to the fridge, grab two beers and join her. The scowl leaves her face when I hand her the bottle.

"Sorry." Deb scrunches her face up in remorse.

"It's nothing unusual." I smirk at her and am rewarded with a throbbing punch to my arm.

"So, what are you going to do?" I ask her as I lift the papers from the coffee table and reexamine the work.

Deb sighs. "Being honest seems like a bad idea."

"Yeah, but you're usually pretty honest. Maybe you shouldn't try to play LaGuerta's game."

Deb looks at me askance, eyebrows raised. "Aren't you the one who's always telling me that I need to learn politics?"

"Yeah, for dealing with LaGuerta, not for talking to the public."

She bites her nail while she looks at me uncertainly. "Was this just a terrible idea?"

Confused as always, I wait for Deb to continue.

"I mean I have no fucking clue how to be lieutenant. I didn't even make fucking sergeant first. What the fuck was I thinking?"

"You were thinking that you're a great cop and you're smart and you'd figure it out as you go."

"Gotta be fucking brilliant to come up with that plan."

"You think LaGuerta was good at this when she started?"

"I think LaGuerta was born wearing fucking high heels and a microphone in her hand. So yeah, I think she was good at this."

I pause and picture that for a moment before I reply "You're probably right."

Deb is quiet for a bit and it gives me a chance to realize how closely I've sat down next to her. Her thigh is bumping mine as she nervously bounces the ball of her foot against the coffee table. She doesn't seem to have noticed our proximity as she's lost in her own worries. I sit still and enjoy the silence and the warmth from her body being so close to mine.

She sighs eventually, her leg stilling its movement and drops her head onto my shoulder. I think I should feel odd, cuddling on the couch with my little sister, but it's so comfortable. "I don't know what I'd do without you Dex."

I smile a bit; it's nice to be needed. "Me too."

She turns her head up in my direction and grins at me. I can't help but grin back. Deb always has that effect on me. Our faces are very close and I drop my voice as I ask her "Figured out what you're going to do?"

"Write a kick ass speech and be fucking awesome." She tells me slyly.

"You don't say."

Deb lifts her head off my shoulder and looks at me very seriously. "You really think I can do this?" She sounds like she's twelve again, asking me if I think she has what it takes to be a good cop.

"I've always known you could." I tell her honestly.

"Ok." She whispers.

We're still looking at each other, our faces just mere inches away. I'm suddenly very conscious of the proximity of her lips. My gaze drops inadvertently to them before I think about what I'm doing. Deb catches the movement and makes a small noise, causing me to look back to her eyes. I can't quite read what I find there, a look I haven't really seen from Deb before.

But it's gone as suddenly as it came across her face. And then she's up on her feet, clearing her throat. "I should get started on that speech." She mumbles and she hurries the photographs off the coffee table and starts moving to the bedroom.

"Good night Deb." I say softly as I watch her hurry away, dropping a photograph as she goes. She mumbles something in return before slamming the bedroom door shut behind her. I wonder for a moment what I did wrong, what I did to break the spell of our quiet moment. Had a small glance really made her so uncomfortable? I remind myself once more that Deb is my sister and there are rules. It was my responsibility to take care of Deb, nothing more.


	11. Any More Trouble

It's finally happened. The thing I've feared my entire adult life. Deb knows now. The moment she walked in the church I knew the whole thing was a ticking time bomb. Although, to be fair, hasn't it been waiting to explode since we were kids?

I really tried to spin it as best as I could. For about half a day I thought it was working too. But this is Deb we're talking about. So of course she figured it out.

I think some part of me always thought she'd remain blind to this. She was too close, too attached to me to believe something so horrific. And yet, here we are.

I can see glimpses of her as she paces between her living room and kitchen. I had driven over to her house with the intention of talking to her. But instead I'm sitting in my car and watching because I have no idea what to say. I explained everything that I could, told her everything that I thought she could handle. But she's hurt and angry now, and I don't know what else I can do for her.

Somehow even with all my worry for Deb, I feel oddly relieved. The one person alive who knows me better than anyone finally knows it all. I still don't know what she'll do with it, but at least she knows.

I wonder if I should take it as a good sign that she hasn't arrested me yet.

I wait and watch Deb turn out the lights before I restart my engine. While I drive home I think about how I should spend my last few hours of freedom.

* * *

_I will not kill my sister. I will not kill my sister._

Well, I already know that to be true. I think the bigger concern should be who I will kill if I'm not released from this stranglehold soon. I should be grateful, I know this. She didn't tell anyone. She hasn't arrested me. She hasn't done anything worse than try to fix me. But I am unfixable. I tried to explain this to her, but she's stubborn.

Meanwhile she's angry. I can see it in the tension on her face and the way she constantly fidgets. I'm just not sure who she's angry at, me or Harry. Or maybe even herself.

She keeps talking about how she doesn't know what to do. About how she's the Lieutenant and she has to do the right thing. And I know that it's true. But I'm certainly not going to encourage her to turn me in. I have Harrison to think about. And I remind Deb of that as much as I can. Because I am trying to have it all.

Add that to the looks she's been giving me lately. I'll catch her watching me and when I glance over there's a whisper of something. Then it's gone and she's glaring at me as if she intends to drill two holes into my skull.

I know these looks have nothing to do with our little shared secret. But I'm having a very hard time figuring out what they actually are. When it comes down to it, I know Deb very well. Better than anyone else. But these looks are so peculiar. I see these flecks of adoration, but it's mixed with something deeper and I don't know what to make of that. Sometimes I want to ask her what's going on. But there is so much distance right now that I don't think she'll be honest with me.

For now I'll wait and watch and hope we can make it through this. We love each other, and maybe that will be enough.

* * *

I am sitting by the door, peeking through the blinds when I hear Deb moan. I look across the dark room towards her sleeping form. She's been tossing in bed since I turned out the lights. I couldn't sleep myself and figured standing guard was a better idea anyways. I don't like Sirko making threats against my sister. He has taken this to an unacceptable place.

Deb mumbles something and then I hear her call my name. For a moment I think she really is talking to me, so I get up from my seat and move towards her bed. I have just sat down on the bed next to her when she bolts upright, eyes blinking open. She's gasping for breath and her eyes flash in the darkness of the room.

"Deb? It's just me." I reach for her hand as she lifts it towards her chest, but she gives me a weird look and jerks away from me, scooting further up the bed.

"What are you doing?" She asks me urgently.

"Nothing. You were talking in your sleep so I came to check on you."

She frowns at me. "What did I say?"

"I heard my name." I shrug.

"That's it?"

I give her a confused look. "Was there more?"

"NO! I didn't…why aren't you asleep?" Deb asks accusingly.

"Couldn't." I don't tell her that I'm worried, but I think she knows.

"Jesus Dex, just go to bed." Deb shoves against my arm, then scoots back under the covers and turns away from me.

When I sit for a moment too long watching her, Deb turns her head and gives me a look. "Now Dexter."

I know she means it, so I sit over on my bed and watch as her breathing evens out. I'm still not tired, but I decide that lying down is my best option. I'm still worried about Deb though, so I walk to the other side of her bed and lay down on top of the covers.

After a moment I turn towards her and reach for her hand. After what happened last week with Speltzer I thought we would be in a better place. But this business with Sirko is screwing everything up again.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I find myself waking up nose to nose with Deb. My arm is draped over her shoulders and she has curled closely into my embrace. In the dark of the night sharing a bed with my sister seemed like a good idea. Now I'm rethinking that decision. Considering how angry Deb has been with me lately I don't think she would appreciate waking up to this. And as comfortable as I am I don't think it's worth the risk. So I slowly disengage and take two steps away from the bed.

"Dex?" Deb sounds groggy and confused. I turn to face her and watch her take in the crumpled covers on the other side of her bed. She gives me an indiscernible look and I wonder if I should confirm her suspicions. But then she turns and looks at the bedside clock. "If you're using the shower, hurry the fuck up. I need to get to work."

I give her a quick nod and escape behind the bathroom door. No need to stir up any more trouble.


	12. Impossible

A/N: As always thanks for reading and the reviews! This is the second to last chapter. Given how intense this season of Dexter has been I'm sure I'll be writing more soon ;)

It's just not possible. In fact it's so entirely impossible that it's almost laughable. Deb thinks she's in love with me.

…

Yeah, completely impossible. I mean it's strange enough that she still loves me at all after walking into that church. But that is actually understandable. We're each other's constants. We're family. So somehow she still manages to love me. At least enough to not want to turn me in. And maybe enough to still be my sister. But in love with me?

No, see that's not right. And I don't mean that it's not right in the idea that a sister should not be in love with her brother. I mean yeah we grew up together. She's known me practically her entire life. But still, I know she is not my blood. Not in that biological sense in any case. So her falling in love with me, at least from that aspect, isn't gross as Deb had put it.

It's not right because this is me we're talking about. Me, the monster. The guy with the dark passenger who wills him to kill. The guy that everyone likes to call the Bay Harbor Butcher.

And Deb is…light, perfect, human and whole and every antithesis of myself. Even when she forgets sometimes, I know who she really is. She's the good cop who always does the right thing. So I know that when Deb decides not to turn me in, it has to hurt her. But if it was really wrong, she wouldn't let it happen.

But, Deb…in love with me…It's flattering. No, it's more than flattering. It's amazing and wonderful and I can actually feel my heart beat a little faster. But that's exactly how I know it's so wrong. Because I shouldn't be allowed to feel anything so good with someone so much better than I deserve. She's too human. And that means that she'll wind up hurt. And that I will be the one who hurts her.

And maybe that's what makes me so comfortable with Hannah. Because she understands that darkness. She is not light and whole. She is nothing like Deb and everything like me. And I know I won't hurt her. I know that what happened to Rita will not happen to Hannah, because it's the innocent ones who get hurt.

But those ideas, they're not really important. Because it's still impossible. Deb couldn't possibly be in love with me. I think she was more correct when she said that she's not even sure she likes me anymore. That makes far more sense to me.

I can imagine what Harry would say. That I haven't protected her the way I should have. And he's right. I should have protected her better from the truth. It shouldn't be her cross to bear. And I certainly should have protected her better from this. Because even though I know she can't be in love with me, Deb believes it's true. And I know that must hurt her. I don't want to be the reason she feels any of this. I don't like that I've affected her in this way.

So now I have to fix it. If I couldn't prevent it, if I couldn't protect her from this pain, then I need to at least make it right again. It's too late with the butcher thing, but this love thing…this I can fix. Anyways, those feelings were before she knew everything. And now that it's all out there, she knows too that it can't be real. Because how can someone like her be in love with someone like me?

I just need to give her an out. Because I know Deb. She's been holding onto this idea, afraid to share it, for weeks now. So it's built up inside her. And it's become bigger on its own. Like everything emotional when it comes to Deb, if she doesn't let it out it bursts forth from her with uncontained energy. And now that it is out there, she won't know what to do with it.

So I have to reassure her. Let her know that this idea that she has, that it's understandable that she thinks it. And I have to reassure her that it's not real, that she thinks she feels it, but it's just confusion. Because I need her to let go of it, for her sake. I need her to get past this before it hurts her.

Make no mistake, I know this is my fault and this is Harry's fault. See, if I hadn't come along, maybe Harry would have been a better father to Deb. Maybe then she wouldn't be seeking love and attention from the wrong people. Maybe I wouldn't have seemed like such a good idea if Harry hadn't convinced her that I was. It's ironic, how Harry's desire to protect her from me is the reason we are here to begin with.

So tomorrow I will fix this. I will let Deb know that I love her and that I'll always be there. But I'll make sure she knows that it isn't real. She doesn't love me the way she thinks and she can move on. But I will remember that moment and the way it made me feel. I will know what could have been possible if I were a man and not a monster.


	13. The One Thing That Matters

A/N: And now we have reached the conclusion! The last chapter is twice as long as the others since it was originally going to be two. Also, where I have mostly stuck to canon with the fic, I worked up most of this prior to the premiere of season 8 so the chapter goes completely off canon. Anyways, thanks for sticking with it and for the lovely reviews! Enjoy!

Sidenote: Where oh where was my Debster kissCPR scene!? Mean horrible Dexter team who create a lovely Debster scene, film it and then don't show it!? Ugh.

* * *

What have I done?

It's been two days and the silence is deafening. Night before last Deb walked into that shipping container and shot LaGuerta. She looked at me as if she was pleading with me to do something. So I did. I surrendered to her. I was completely at her mercy. And then she went and shot LaGuerta.

They haven't found the body yet. It's sitting there with the other, just waiting. Since LaGuerta is off until tomorrow no one has yet noticed something is wrong. And this waiting for its discovery is eating away at Deb.

She's sitting on my couch, wearing a tshirt of mine and some old track pants. She hasn't asked to go home and I don't want to leave her there alone. Actually, she hasn't asked for anything, or spoken a single word since we left Angel's party.

I tried whatever I could to rouse her. I sat Harrison down in her lap. I grilled up a few steaks. I even tried to talk to her about it. But she won't even look at me. She hasn't cried since the shipping container either. Somehow I find that more unnerving than the silence.

I keep asking Harry what I should do. But I haven't seen him in days anyways. I think he's angry I allowed this to happen.

So I ask myself again, what have I done?

She wasn't supposed to be there. Nothing went as planned and since Deb is so damn stubborn I should have known she would show up.

And now I have finally done it. I've finally broken Deb. Shattered her. And I don't know how to put her back together. It's like some fucked up version of Humpty Dumpty. But this is no fable, no cautionary tale. It's already too late to learn some lesson.

It's strange to realize now how I've taken Deb for granted. These past few months, since the night at the church, have tested her love for me. But this was it. This was the ultimate proof of her love. That she would do this for me. That she would not only kill LaGuerta, but do this to herself, for me. I don't think I ever knew how deep her love ran.

I've been sitting across from her, staring at her for the past hour. It's frightening that she hasn't reacted to that.

"I'm sorry Deb." She doesn't move, but for some reason I think she might be listening to me. "I'm sorry that this happened. I'm sorry that I put you in this position. But mostly I'm sorry for what I am."

I move to sit next to her on the couch. I'm afraid to touch her; afraid it will make things worse. Or maybe I'm afraid that she will reject me. I reach out anyways; take her hand in both of mine. Her palm is ice cold, matching her blanched complexion.

I take a deep breath, ready to offer myself up again. Anything to bring her back. Anything to fix her. "What do you want me to do Deb? Just say it. Anything you want. I'll do it. I'll turn myself in. Just please snap out of it."

I wait and watch her with baited breath. I think this will garner some reaction. But I am hopelessly disappointed. I am at a loss for what to do. How do you bring somebody back from the brink? And what do you do if they're already over the edge, dangling from their fingertips, and you have no rope?

I'm reaching out for anything, searching for any connection I can find with her. Something that will jolt her, force her to react to me. I don't know where it comes from, but I lean into her and press my lips against hers.

She doesn't do anything at first. She doesn't push me away or kiss me back. But when I pull back her eyes are focused on me for the first time in days. They are clear and attentive as I lean into her again, this time cupping her cheek with one palm as I guide her lips to mine. This time she kisses me back.

She hasn't moved otherwise, she hasn't touched me. But her lips are yielding to me and her mouth is opening under my power. She is soft and warm and the sensation is different in some undefinable way. Maybe because I'm kissing my sister.

But I don't worry about that for now. Because I can feel her moving closer to my embrace. And there's a soft sound in the back of her throat. I pull away from her and find her cheeks flushed and her eyes watery.

"Deb, please…" But I don't know what I'm asking of her. I want some reassurance, to know that she will be ok. That maybe we can be ok. But I'm terrified that this is impossible.

"Don't stop." She whispers as a tear slides down her cheek. She leans into me this time, her lips pushing against mine, both hands wrapping around the base of my skull, her fingers kneading through my hair.

I contemplate stopping her. I fear I can only do more damage; that I must get her away from me before the wind gusts and the shattered pieces that once were Deb are scattered too far and wide to ever be retrievable.

But I can't bring myself to pull away from her. And instead I wrap my fingers around her hips and pull her closer, pressing her back to lie on the couch.

As always Deb is in a rush, her hands are meddling with the buttons of my shirt, working so fast I think the buttons might snap off in the effort. I'm determined to keep up with her though, and break from our kiss to grab onto her tshirt and pull it off of her. She's bare underneath, I slide one hand up her ribcage and she sighs as I reach her breast. Our eyes meet as I hover above her. She's not quite who she was, my little sister with the big heart. But that girl isn't gone; she is somewhere here still, entwined with the woman who took a life to save her brother.

I know it's not too late to stop. If we go down this path Deb will forever be here in my dark spaces. I fear I will extinguish her light by bringing her closer. But maybe I'm too late anyways.

Deb senses my hesitation and makes the decision for me, pulling me down into her embrace. Together we take turns stripping off articles of clothing. Her frantic desire augments my own, and I can't help but wonder how this shift occurred. Right now it seems so natural to be here with Deb, our naked bodies pressed together, when just a short time ago her declaration of love seemed so out of place.

But we've travelled light years from where we once were. I know now what a mistake Hannah was. I know better than ever that Deb's love knows no bounds. And maybe that was all it took. I always thought Deb's love would be conditional. But here we are, everything on the table, and if anything our bond is stronger.

So maybe I finally believe her. I finally get that she is in love with me. And while I want to pity her, I'm just too damn glad. I really am a monster.

My thought processes and worries halt as Deb's hand wanders south, taking control of the situation. She's guiding me into her, and she's more than ready, slick and hot. She's moaning, and she's right, she is loud. She could practically bring down the walls as I set a pace, pushing her into the couch cushions.

I realize now how long I've been waiting for this. To be this close to Deb. To be fully in her embrace, emotionally, physically. Ever since we were kids I just wanted Deb to know everything, to accept all of me. And now she does. Even if she's not happy about it, she knows it all, and she still chooses me.

And now all the pieces have finally fallen into place. I finally understand what's been there all along. Deb moans my name and I can't hold it back. "I love you." The conviction in my voice surprises both of us. For a moment Deb stops moving and just looks at me.

I hold her gaze because I need her to know that I have always loved her. That for as long as I've comprehended, I've always been in love with her.

I thought that I had no feelings. I thought I was incapable. But it was always right there, just beneath the surface. And now, here in her arms, her legs around my waist, it is all bubbling up.

She finally sighs and I can see it, the acceptance. "I love you too" she whispers. I crush her lips underneath mine. I continue my pace as my fingertips glide along her ribs and sweep over her hipbone. Her nails are digging into my shoulders as she looks up at me. I can still see the sadness and regret in her eyes, but they're warm and open. I kiss her again and try to make it better.

She's getting closer, so I reach down between us, find that spot, and soon she's careening over the edge. I manage to hold on myself just long enough to watch as the emotions flit over Deb's face. After all these years she still fascinates me.

We're curled together snugly on the couch, our noses touching. Deb hasn't said anything yet and I wonder if this was a mistake, if I pushed her too far.

"No matter what happens…don't leave me." Deb tells me quietly. "I can do anything if you stay with me."

"I could never willingly leave you." I tell her. I know I can't promise her more than that.

She sighs and closes her eyes, a weak approval. "Deb, I won't let anything happen to you. Whatever happens next, I will protect you at all costs."

She's watching me closely and I realize how badly I want to tell her more. How I've been waiting to tell her for so long. "Nothing is more important that you Deb. Not even my own brother."

She doesn't seem to react at first. It takes her awhile to say anything. "It was you."

It's not a question. On some level she has known for a while. "He asked me to choose. I chose you."

Deb frowns at me. "I'm sorry." She says quietly.

"I'm not." She doesn't look like she believes me. "You're the only thing that matters. The one constantly good thing."

The frown leaves her face, a ghost of a smile taking its place. "Mmm" she hums in agreement, her eyes gently closing.

I relax, happy for her to finally know it all. "Just tell me you'll be alright."

She sighs again, curls deeper into my embrace so that her lips are brushing against my ear. "I love you Dex."

This time I know what to say. I know what it feels like. "I love you too Deb."

* * *

A/N: Ok, I swear I was going for a happy ending. But that was more… Oh well. I hope you all enjoyed it anyways!


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